The Driver's Dictionary

Braking Time

driversdictionary — Wed, 16 Feb 2011 20:08:20 +0000

Once you’ve perceived a potential issue on the road, and once you’ve reacted by getting your foot off the gas and onto the brake pedal, the braking time is how long it takes your vehicle to come to a stop when the brakes are applied.

Numerous factors enter this equation including:

- How fast you were travelling in the first place. If you’re moving at highway speeds, you’ll need much more time to come to a stop than if you’re puttering through a parking lot.

- What sort of surface you are travelling on. It’ll take you a lot longer to come to a stop when you’re on a gravel road.

- The condition of your brakes. The more worn they are, the less effective.

- The tread on your tires. The balder they are, the further you’ll go.

- Weather. Not only will a wet or frozen road surface increase your braking distance but moisture in the brakes will further impede their effectiveness.

- The size of your vehicle. A semi uses up much more road to come to a stop than a Smart Car. Never cut in front of a semi, cement mixer, armored car, etc. if you’re both about to stop unless your Last Will and Testament is up to date!

Reaction Time

driversdictionary — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 19:39:08 +0000

Once a driver consciously perceives something on the road (perception time), another 3/4 of a second will usually pass before he or she is able to respond by turning the wheel or touching the brakes or, in the unlikely event of suddenly being spotted by a mob of zombies, hitting the gas pedal. Booze, fatigue, texting or lack of experience as a driver will increase your reaction time. This can be bad if the zombies have not fed for a few days.

Perception Time

driversdictionary — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 19:31:29 +0000

On average 3/4 of a second will pass before your brain becomes conscious of a spectacle on the road. If you are talking into a cell phone or you’re liquored up or tired, perception time can be much longer. This can be very embarrassing if the spectacle turns out to be a phalanx of space aliens brandishing anal probes.

Lug

driversdictionary — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 18:45:21 +0000

Rolling Stones guitarist and world-renowned pharmaceutical laboratory Keith Richards is reputed to have once owned a Bentley. As reported by one of his handlers, the peerless Spanish Tony, Richards was unable to correctly operate the manual transmission, nevertheless he was somehow able to slowly get the car into motion even though he always left the gear shift in fourth. The shuddering, near-stall crawl the Bentley would’ve endured for a full block before getting up to speed is an example of lug: shifting into a higher gear too early.

Unless you enjoy the income of a Rolling Stone and can afford to gas up every ten miles, and replace the transmission every thirty, the practice is to be avoided.

Cargo

driversdictionary — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 17:47:51 +0000

The other day on my way to work I ran over a few boards that had bounced out of the back of someone’s truck and scattered on the freeway. I spent my entire shift wondering if any nails had been sticking out of the wood and would I have to fix a flat before I got in my car to go home.

If the police see debris flying out of your vehicle, they will pull you over immediately. Even if your load only looks like it may not be secured properly, they’ll pull you over. By load, I’m referring to anything jutting out of your trunk, strapped to a roof rack or sitting in the back of your truck. Cargo inside your vehicle, for your own sake, should be secure:

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/british-columbia/story/2009/04/15/bc-surrey-laptop-crash-kills-woman.html

Any cargo protruding from a vehicle needs to be firmly secured. Wrap the rope around one more time or put on that extra bungee chord. (And do follow the safety glasses warning for the bungee chords — I actually do know someone who lost an eye when he got snapped in the face with a bungee cord.)

Finally, anything sticking out the back of your vehicle more than 1.5 metres past your bumper needs to have a red warning flag attached to the end. This helps prevent a driver from following too close and ramming your load of 2×4’s through the wall of your trunk and into your kidneys.

Kidnapping

driversdictionary — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 19:12:24 +0000

Here’s a handy tip to help you survive the next time you’ve been kidnapped and tossed into the trunk of a car. Kick out the taillights and stick an arm or leg out through the hole. Madly flail it about until you’re spotted by someone who alerts the proper authorities. If all goes well, they arrive before the kidnappers use you to reenact their favourite scene from Goodfellas.

Two months ago my next door neighbour — a pro-football player — was charged with stuffing someone into the trunk of a car. The research that goes into these posts is meticulous.

Seats, Inclined

driversdictionary — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 20:35:44 +0000

Years ago me and a buddy were travelling through the Nevada desert searching desperately to find a campsite that wasn’t going to charge as a small fortune for an RV hook-up when all we had was a tent. We finally gave up in the middle of the night and had a terrible sleep in the car in a rest area. It is for this reason and this reason only that the seats in your car recline as far back as they do.

You may feel more comfortable driving around with your seat back, but you can suffer a catastrophic spinal cord injury if you’re involved in a collision even at a slow speed. In some cases people have slid right out under their seatbelts and become grotesquely entangled in the wreckage of their vehicle.

Keep your seat as straight as possible to minimize any lethal jolts.

Snow Plows

driversdictionary — Mon, 17 Jan 2011 18:37:46 +0000

Flashing amber lights (flashing blue and amber in Manitoba and Ontario) inside a whirlwind of snow on the winter horizon mean a snow plow is ahead. You will need to stay well behind the plow if you want to avoid being sprayed with snow and slush and getting your windows pelted with pebbles.

Passing a snow plow is not illegal but it is pretty damned stupid. In addition to struggling through the turbulence of the white whirlwind the plow is kicking up, you’ll be nearly invisible to the operator of the plow who’s already white-knuckle focused on his or her own duties. It is much safer to follow until the plow pulls over which operators are told to do every 10 kilometers or so.

You’re never supposed to pass anybody on their right, but passing the snow plow on the right is especially ridiculous and ill-advised due to the dangerous fact that the spray from the blade of the plow is aimed in that direction and will probably blast you into the ditch.

Keep well behind plows working in packs. If you get caught between them, you may end up beneath a snow drift until spring.

Black Ice

driversdictionary — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 02:07:19 +0000

No, not a notorious gangsta rapper who opened for NWA in 1988. And it’s not really black. It’s the colour of the asphalt it’s frozen over and is another example of nature cleverly camouflaging itself while lying in wait for human victims. In this case, black ice is nature’s way of sending cars skidding uncontrolably into a ditch. The only way to detect black ice is by the light reflecting from it. At any point during the winter when temperatures are below the freezing point, you should be prepared for this insidious phenomena and adjust your driving speed accordingly.

Winter Driving

driversdictionary — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 19:22:28 +0000

Skiing, snow boarding, ice-fishing, rubbing up against another warm body - there are numerous winter activities to make the gloomy cold months tolerable. Driving is not one of them, in fact, driving alone is reason enough to embrace cold-blooded killing and enlist in somebody’s Foreign Legion to escape winter. There is nothing pleasing about driving in the winter months. Pavement markings disappear under packed snow and even traffic signs can be engulfed in a paste of wet snow. Narrow roads turn into strips of ice ruts that pitch your vehicle around until you leave trails of nuts and bolts and bits of your exhaust system. It can take you over ten times the distance to come to a stop, and often that may be because you’ve collided with another car. Sand and salt turn your car to rust, and general wear and tear is doubled by the frost (my side mirror spontaneously split in two the other day when I simply shut the door in a temperature of -35 C). You have to leave early for every trip not just to warm the car up but also because you have no idea how horrific the road conditions might be. Pedestrians are more likely to jaywalk because their brains are numbed by subzero wind chills, and you’re constantly distracted by visions of the lottery ticket in your pocket becoming the deed to some small island in the Caribbean.

Here are a few tips to make you less suicidal:

- Have your vehicle tuned for extreme conditions so it can run as well as possible in the White Hell of winter.

- Keep the gas tank full. A vapour lock can occur in low temperature.

- Give yourself extra time for all trips.

- Reduce your speed whenever you see any ice and snow on the road.

- Never drive until the windows are clear of frost and snow.

- The Two-Second Rule becomes the three to twenty second rule so you are able to stop well before hitting the rear bumper of any vehicle you are following. Remember that if somebody rear-ends you on an icy road, you will be pushed much further than if you were on dry pavement. Leave extra space between you and vehicles ahead even when you are not moving.

- You should have a survival kit in your trunk in case of breakdowns. Environment Canada suggests it should contain the following (they also should of suggested a trailer to haul all this stuff):

Axe or hatchet
Shovel, kitty litter, or a bag of sand
Booster cables
Battery operated radio
Tow chain
Flashlight and road flares
Tools: for tire-changes and minor repairs
Methyl hydrate: for fuel line and windshield de-icing
Fire extinguisher
First Aid Kit
Matches and a candle to provide heat if engine fails. Partially open lee-side window for ventilation.
Extra clothing and footwear
Blankets
Extra food
Sugar cubes or hard candy to provide you with instant energy and to help keep your body warm.
Ice scraper and snow brush
Signal aids (red cloth for antenna and a whistle)
Plastic garbage bag to keep you dry
Twelve hour thermal heat packs to warm feet, hands, etc.
Coffee tins (one for a waste receptacle and one for the candle)
Road maps and a compass

And finally, if you live in a climate where none of the above makes any sense to you, kindly go f**** yourself.